Saturday, September 25, 2004

What am I doing?

I used to tell myself that I would never post anything on the internet about myself much less imagine that I would actually do it one day. I just don't understand why anybody would want to announce whats going on with their lives. Yea, I'm a bloody hypocrite and I don't care.

Its just that I've been reading alot of blogs lately and realise that I'm just a parasite. Its like these fellas; the other bloggers have unselfishly shared what was so personal about themselves but I had not. I have read their stories, post my comments sometimes, realise some things that I never did, laugh aloud at their witty remarks and selfishly feel good about myself knowing that my problems and dilemma aren't that much bigger than anybody elses, but that they're just mine.

The other reason to it is that I have been suffering from insomnia lately, which started after I quitted my job last month. Its not like I'm unemployed at the moment. I'm helping a friend out in his business, a 9 to 6 job, while on the lookout for something more permanent. AND that I've reach a point in my life where I'm totally uncertain of where I'm heading, what I'm doing and wonder if I'm really the kind of person I think I am. I suppose this explains the insomnia. Damn, I hate it.

I suppose theres more to that. The last job was a good one. But, have you heard of that particular saying that people leave bosses and people and not their job? That saying couldn't have fit me better. Lets just say that my previous job was a hell hole. I couldn't have met the most outrageous, absolutely demeaning people in one small office, apart from having had a boss who didn't think much of women. My self esteem was just going downhill, my level of frustration was hitting the roof and I just had to get out. It was a real fucking situation for anybody to be in.

Anway, I suppose thats just life. Sometimes things work out, sometimes things don't. Sometimes good things come your way, sometimes they don't. Perhaps this is just a test. I don't know. Damn, who am I kidding? I'm just trying to console myself and trying even harder to sound positive . Its alot more difficult coping.

The good thing is.. my eye lids are starting to feel heavy and I'm going to try and capitalise on this strange relax feeling before I miss it.


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